


Hot and Ready

by SmileAndASong



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance, The Used
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Band, First Meetings, Fluff, Getting Together, Humor, M/M, Polyamory, Pre-Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23752099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmileAndASong/pseuds/SmileAndASong
Summary: Gerard blinks down at the grease-stained pizza box in his hands. “I think the delivery guy was trying to fuck.”“Well,” His boyfriend, Bert, says without looking away from the video game that he’s playing. “Was he hot?”
Relationships: Bert McCracken/Gerard Way, Frank Iero/Bert McCracken/Gerard Way, Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Comments: 22
Kudos: 94





	Hot and Ready

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [Hot and Ready【授权翻译】](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25280551) by [Realdian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Realdian/pseuds/Realdian)



> So apparently the only thing my brain is capable of writing nowadays is bandom fic. The hyperfixation is so real, and we are deeeeeep down this rabbit hole, let me tell you.
> 
> This fic is kind of strange in that it's about a threesome, but you may have noticed it's tagged 'no smut'. I know that might come across a little frustrating and misleading to some people, but I was far more interested in the idea of writing about the formation of the threesome as opposed to the act itself. It's just kind of a funny, bizarre thing to form, and I wasn't about to give up that kind of comedic potential (that, and I absolutely haaaaate writing smut). 
> 
> And maybe I'll come back and write the smut component someday, who knows, but for now, this is the story I wanted to tell.
> 
> Overall, I really did enjoy making this fic, especially writing Bert. I absolutely love him, he's so fun, and I desperately wanted to create a fic where he is NOT the villain! There aren't enough of those in this community. Plus, who doesn't love a polyamorous dynamic?
> 
> Fic is unbeta'd, any mistakes are my own. Comments and kudos are always appreciated, thank you so much for reading!

Gerard blinks down at the grease-stained pizza box in his hands. “I think the delivery guy was trying to fuck.”

“Well,” His boyfriend, Bert, says without looking away from the video game that he’s playing. “Was he hot?”

“Yeah, he was really hot,” Gerard tosses the box down on their disaster of a coffee table, knocking over a few assorted beer and Diet Coke cans. All empty, thankfully, but damn, they really need to clean this place up. He ignores it for now (and probably for awhile) and joins Bert on the couch. “He had a really pretty face and sweet ink on his arms. I’m willing to bet he’s got way more underneath that gay little uniform, too.”

“You’re the last one to call something ‘gay’ as an insult,” Bert snarks, reaching over to open the box, his eyes still glued to Grand Theft Auto V, his current obsession. It's the only game Gerard has watched him play that he’s not entirely awful at.

Because of course the one game Bert’s good at is one where the only objective is to fuck shit up.

“Shut up.” Gerard reaches over to help him grab the piece, and Bert pecks his cheek in thanks. “He had a lip ring! A _lip ring_! It doesn’t get any hotter than that.”

“If this is your way of telling me to pierce my lip, you can forget it.” Bert takes a big bite of the slice, chewing as he speaks. “But seriously, what makes you think he was trying to fuck?”

“He told me to enjoy my ‘big sausage pizza’, and then winked as he handed it to me.” Gerard raises a brow. “Please don’t tell me you put that in the ‘special instructions for driver’ tab...”

Bert snickers and shakes his head. “No, but now I wish I did.” 

Gerard rolls his eyes and instantly regrets bringing it up. He really shouldn’t be giving Bert any ideas. 

“I don’t know, he could just be trying to make a joke?” Bert suggests, shrugging. “I’d need a laugh too if my entire existence was driving a bunch of pizzas around.”

“Right, because your current existence of driving a virtual car with a bunch of hookers in it is _much_ more admirable,” Gerard says, and Bert flips him off, his gaze still fixated on the TV, where his avatar is in the middle of receiving a lap dance from a virtual stripper. Gerard’s not sure if this is an upgrade or downgrade from the previous objective of obtaining virtual cocaine. But at least with this, the artist in him can appreciate the animation, albeit rather crude.

He sighs and scoots closer to Bert, resting his head on his shoulder. “I'm serious, I think he might be just what we’re looking for...”

They’d been throwing around the idea of experimenting with a third for a little while now. Bert’s done it before and identifies as polyamorous, something Gerard’s known since the start of their relationship. And Gerard, he’s curious and wants to give it a try. But after a few unsuccessful ‘interviews’ with only the most prestigious candidates from the most reputable sources (Grindr), the dream sort of died.

Though Pizza boy and his cool lip ring sure are looking promising...

“I mean, you know me, I'm totally down, and he sounds hot. You've got good taste in guys, I trust your judgment.” Bert tosses his crust into the box and commands his avatar to compliment the stripper on her performance. A gentleman, through and through. “What's his name?”

Gerard bites down on his lower lip. "It's...uh..."

"You're gonna fuck him and you don't even know his name?" Bert eyes him dubiously. "Damn, even I'm not that bad."

"You called me 'Jared' our first night together."

"Hey, at least it's a name. And I was close, too!"

"Well, I do know his actual name, because they put it on the receipt! It’s right -- shit, where’d it go?”

“You just paid for it, how did you lose it already?”

“I don’t know, maybe if I could actually see the damn floor, we wouldn’t be having this—yes, here it is!” Gerard grabs the receipt, now slightly damp and smelling of beer. Clearly some of those cans weren’t entirely empty.

He scans through it quickly and at the very bottom is just what he’s looking for:

_Thank you for choosing Domino’s! Your pizza was delivered by: FRANK_

“Frank! His name is Frank!” Gerard says excitedly, shoving the receipt in Bert’s face.

“Hallelujah,” Bert says dryly, finally putting the game on pause and turning to Gerard. “And how are you going to track down Frankie boy? Order a shitton of pizza and hope he delivers it?”

“…maybe,” Gerard says sheepishly. “Unless you’ve got a better idea?”

“No way, man, this plan gets me food and the possibility of sex with you and cool lip ring dude!” Bert says. “Sign me the fuck up.”

Grinning, Gerard pecks Bert on the lips. “Hope you're ready for way too much pizza."

"Please," Bert says with a snort. "There's no such thing as too much pizza."

XXXXX

“I literally cannot eat any more pizza, oh my god,” Bert complains as Gerard opens the Domino’s website for the eighth time this week.

Gerard ignores him and starts a new order. “What happened to ’no such thing as too much pizza’?”

Bert whines as he flops over and presses his face into the couch cushion. “No such thing as too much _good_ pizza. Domino’s is shit, order from Pizza Hut this time.”

“What? No, that defeats the whole point of this. We’re not doing this for the pizza, we’re doing this for Frank!”

“Frank’s only delivered two of the seventy-five fucking pizzas we’ve ordered,” Bert says, and Gerard just barely resists the urge to correct him. It’s _only_ been nine pizzas, three orders of cheesy-bread, and four chocolate molten cakes. “And you messed it up both times he came!”

“I did not!” Gerard exclaims, even though, yeah, he definitely did mess it up. 

The first pizza Frank had delivered after the initial encounter, he grinned at Gerard and told him he made sure he kept it nice and hot -- just for him. A definite and obvious pick-up line, Bert later told Gerard. 

But Gerard, being the awkward disaster he was, just laughed that obnoxiously loud chortle of his and shoved some cash at Frank before more or less slamming the door in his face.

It clearly discouraged Frank, because the next pizza he delivered, he kept it strictly professional. Barely even said a word, just told him the total, handed over the pie, and thanked him. He did mumble a ‘good seeing you again’ as he left, which gave Gerard the tiniest glimmer of hope that it wasn’t entirely a lost cause.

Things had to go right this time. He's not sure if his wallet or his cholesterol levels can afford any more pizza. 

He scans over the Domino’s menu that he’s entirely too familiar with at this point and clicks on the ‘Sandwich’ section. “Fine, you’re sick of pizza, I’ll get you a sandwich. How about Chicken Habanero?”

Berts scoffs. “That sounds pretty gay.”

“You’re the last one to call something ‘gay’ as an insult,” Gerard says, attempting (and failing) to mimic Bert’s low voice, earning himself an unimpressed kick. He puts the sandwich in his cart, as well as a medium pizza with pepperoni and, of course, sausage. He clicks ‘place order’ and the Domino’s patented Pizza Tracker flashes on the screen.

Most of the names are familiar at this point, almost like friends he’s never met and probably should never meet. He watches it intently, like a hawk, following each update as it appears.

James begins custom making his order at 8:05PM, Vincent puts his order in the oven at 8:09M, and _Frank_ leaves the store with his order at 8:21PM.

“Frank’s coming, Frank’s coming!” Gerard practically screeches, flipping his laptop around to show Bert and pointing frantically at the name.

“Thank god! Because I would’ve lost my shit if it was Bob again. Asshole totally cheated us out of our Marinara dipping cup! We paid fifty cents for that!” Bert huffs as he sits up and moves most of his unruly hair out of the face. “I’m answering the door when he gets here. I’m not letting you mess this up again.”

Gerard rolls his eyes. “Hey, no one said you couldn’t open the door.” Bert is usually just too high to notice, both in his virtual world of GTA and the actual one. But Gerard can tell Bert is just about at his wits end, both with pizza and hearing Gerard lament about how much he wants Frank to be with them. It’s really been the only thing he’s talked about all week; he’s long past the point of obsession.

Seventeen minutes later, the doorbell rings, and immediately, Bert is on his feet. He walks toward the door, a determined, though a little intense look on his face.

Gerard scrambles to his own feet and follows behind. He stays behind the door where Frank can’t see him and watches as Bert throws it open.

“Oh, uh, hi!” Gerard hears Frank say, sounding a little startled. “I didn’t know someone else lived here…uh, yeah, I’ve got one chicken habanero sandwich and—“

“Yeah, enough about the shitty food, let’s cut to the chase,” Bert interrupts. “Are you trying to fuck my boyfriend?” 

“Bert!” Gerard whispers loudly from behind the door.

“I, uh, do you mean Mr. Way?” Frank stutters, his voice getting considerably higher “Listen, I uh, I didn’t know he was with anybody, I just thought he was kind of hot. I don’t want any trouble, man, I just—“

“No, no, it’s cool. Because he’s trying to fuck you.”

“Bert!” Gerard says, a little louder this time.

“And so am I.”

“ _Bert!_ ” 

Gerard quickly comes out from behind the door before Bert finds a way to mess this up even further. He’s fully expecting to see a horrified and disgusted Frank, who will no doubt put them on the Domino’s customer blacklist, if such a thing exists.

But, surprisingly, he doesn’t. No, Frank seems…pensive. And he’s got a curious look in his eye. Huh. 

“So is that why you guys have placed so many orders this week?” Frank finally asks, after what feels like an eternity of silence. “To try and see me?”

“Yeah, we didn’t exactly have any better ideas. We should’ve asked you seven friggin’ orders ago, but someone kept dropping the damn ball.” Bert gestures back at Gerard, who flushes bright red. He turns back at Frank and raises a brow. “So, what do you say? We fucking or not?”

“Bert!” Gerard scolds for what feels like the millionth time. He heaves out an exasperated sigh and turns to Frank. “What he means to say is...we’d like to get to know you better.”

Bert nods and smirks widely. “Real better.”

Frank chuckles. “Y’know, I get offered a lot of weird things in place of tips -- coupons, beer, weed -- but this definitely takes the cake.” His lips curl up into a smirk. “And I mean that in a good way, the best way.”

Gerard’s eyes go wide and he gapes at Frank. Holy shit, is this actually happening?

“I’ve got a couple of other deliveries I need to finish, then that’s it for the night. I can swing back here once I’m done.” Frank hands over the pizza and sandwich to Bert. “This one’s on me. But don’t worry, there’s _plenty_ more sausage where that came from.”

Bert laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the word, and Gerard just blinks at Frank, completely dumbfounded as he watches him walk off. Frank turns back at them and waves, winking ostentatiously as he climbs into his car.

And this time, Gerard knows it’s not just because he’s joking and referencing shitty pornos. Frank, he wants him. No, he wants them -- it's actually happening! Watching Frank drive away, Gerard shuts the door and turns to face his boyfriend.

“I’m thoroughly convinced you’re the only person on the planet who can not only get a threesome out of a delivery guy, but free pizza, too.” He smiles and gives Bert a very appreciative kiss. “You did good, real good. Thank you.”

Bert hums into the kiss and he’s smiling as they pull back. A smug and arrogant, ‘I-told-you-so’ smile, but hey, he earned it. “What can I say? Frank’s not the only one who delivers around here.” He hands the pizza box to Gerard. “Now, don’t get too full! You heard him, there’s gonna be a lot more sausage later on.”

Gerard rolls his eyes. “I’m officially banning the two of you from making pizza-related jokes and innuendos, I can't fucking handle any more.”

Bert chuckles and leans in, pressing his lips to Gerard’s ear. “Oh don’t you worry,” He mumbles before pressing a kiss. “We’re not gonna be doing much talking tonight at all...”

Gerard shudders and buries his face into Bert’s neck, nodding against it. He doesn’t exactly know what’s in store for tonight, no, but he does know that he’s most definitely hot and ready for it. 

And he’ll just keep that last pizza innuendo to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> The ending line and title is actually a reference to the slogan for Little Caesars, but you know, it gets the point across. I was craving (and ended up ordering) pizza so badly by the time I finished writing and editing this, so if you're also itching for some, then I did my job ; )


End file.
